Tantrums, tears as farmer's wife 'doesn't see herself on farm' and five more exit

Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives is a special Voice of Real Australia newsletter from Julia "Sunset" Wythes, Hayley "Picnics" Warden and Ashley "Throw Cushions in the Ute Tray" Walmsley, bringing you all the daily drama of the reality TV show.

Episode 11 of Farmer Wants a Wife starts much like a horror movie - semi-darkness, mist spookily drifting through the trees, abandoned tents, Farmer Todd brushing his teeth in the trees while wearing a hat...

Ok, never mind.

Everyone emerges like zombies with hangovers.

Farmer Joe shows the best way to keep warm on a cold morning - wearing a heavy jumper with the hood up, with bare legs and no shoes.

Todd (the new farmer that wears a hat) tells the boys he's thinking Grace or Daisy are destined to head back to the farm with him before the other ladies.

The other blokes stare around tousled-haired and puffy-lipped from all the snogging, thinking 'I literally have no idea who they are. In fact, I've even forgotten your name'.

Lovely Nat turns up, making everyone else look even more crap, and asks how the night was.

"We toasted some marshmallows and it was all very wholesome," Joe declares.

Very wholesome. It was like a Banjo Patterson poem.

"There was movement at the station,

For the word had passed around

That Farmer Joe is getting it on

in a bathtub."

It is the stuff of legends.

Moving on, the boys all pick a lady to go on a 24-hour, uninterrupted date.

Farmer Dustin chooses Anna - she asks 'what should I wear?'.

He giggles and never answers.

The producers haven't told him the details of the romantic date he has apparently spent days organising.

Farmer Tom chose Sarah C, while Farmer Joe picks Sarah.

Teneil is hoping her Rachel-to-Ross letter (18 pages, front and back!) was enough to woo Bert for a date. But no, he chooses Caitlin.

New farmer (new to the show, not the farm) Todd picked Daisy.

Nat tells the remaining girls it's time to pack up and go home.

I'm pretty sure no one was expected to pull down tents, load chairs, pry bits of dip and bacon off their swag, clean dog wee off the table leg, and wash a pile of greasy plates in the creek so they are still greasy but covered in leaves too.

So at least this has been a real life experience of what camping is like for the girls.

Let's see where the farmers go for their dates.

Tom has booked out an entire train for him and Sarah. It's pretty cool.

She tries to look dreamy while the bumpy train makes her dribble wine all over herself.

He tells her she makes him a better person.

It's all pretty cute, except for the sore heads they will have later from jamming them against the wall to keep themselves steady.

They pull up somewhere called Muckleford and snog against the side of the train.

Farmer Todd has headed home to Baan Baa with gym manager Daisy.

He gives her the full tour of the town - two streets and a racing go-kart later, and they are back on the road.

He takes her to a special spot where his sister got married and tells Daisy that's where he will be getting married. She's smitten.

Later Daisy sees the romantic set-up of bales, cushions, candles blah-blah-blah, and she's just swooning.

Unlike us, she thinks Todd did it all.

We know he actually just lit the candles with constant step-by-step instructions and close supervision of a producer.

They talk about previous relationships, and while the wind blows a gale around them, they have a kiss.

Farmer Joe has taken Sarah for a gallop through Kosciuszko National Park.

It makes their ride much more fun when you watch it at 1.25 speed.

I also tried it at 1.5 speed. That was just awesome. (It was less awesome with scenes where people are kissing - looks more like lions attacking a carcase.)

After a bumpy ride, they climb into an outside bath.

They have a serious talk about how this will work, get red as lobsters and snog.

Farmer Frodo and Anna are going for massages.

It's a gorgeous spot - and clearly not Condo.

Then it becomes apparent there are no professionals involved - they are giving each other massages.

Dustin has never had a massage - so for Anna, this will be a bit like being the first lamb someone has ever shorn.

It's just so romantic - squatting over someone's back rubbing oil on them while the camera crew zooms in.

Farmer Bert has taken Caitlin for a boogie-board at the beach.

They have a drink on a dune and he is as communicative as my dad when Landline is on.

Later on she coaxes actual words out of him and they have a pash.

At Farmer Todd's, there is a car of screaming women hurtling down the road beeping the horn in a cloud of dust.

"There goes the peace of the farm," he says through gritted teeth.

Glad to see you are up for the experience, Toddy.

He drags the girls' bags in to the weirdest collection of stuff we've ever seen in a lounge room on this show.

Above the ugliest couch known to man is the world's biggest mounted fish.

Over against the wall is a dying plant in a bucket. Also - his coffee table is made of a pallet.

The ladies ask about the date - and Todd takes FULL CREDIT for the bales, cushions, candles etc.

They then go and jump on horses wearing dorky helmets.

Iyesha yells 'TROT! at her horse. It doesn't.

They move a mob of cattle towards a gate that Todd needs to re-swing.

Or better still - throw out. Looks like a tractor went over it.

Meanwhile, the other farmers return to THE INTERROGATION.

This is how it works - the remaining ladies stand around with fake smiles, asking in high, would-be-relaxed voices how the dates went.

They say things like 'glad you had a good time' and 'sounds like fun' while looking at the chosen lady like she has scours.

At Farmer Joe's, they are cleaning up a tree that has come down.

Keely tells Joe about the blue she had with Calya at the camping trip, and Calya doesn't like the farm.

Joe is all bent out of shape about it.

All the farmers are once again faced with sending someone home, so this only means one thing - we have to watch Farmer Joe with his shirt off again. The things we do.

At Farmer Todd's, he presents his five ladies with what looks like three steaks.

Then he asks Iyesha to go. She says the whole experience - the 2.5 days she has been on the show - has been harder but better than she expected.

Farmer Tom is struggling, but he says goodbye to Sarah. She's pretty devo, the poor love.

At Dustin's, he lets Izzy go. His shirt is green. But apparently not boyfriend material.

They both shed a bit of a tear as she drives off into the darkness, glad to never see the lake again.

At Farmer Bert's, he asks Taneil to head home.

But at Farmer Joe's, things are getting stirry. Like the last ewe left in the catching pen.

Joe tells the ladies he feels like he's in the dark about how they are feeling.

He says he hates rumours and wants to know from the horse's mouth what's going on.

He and Calya go for a chat and she says she doesn't see herself full-time on the farm.

They decide to call it quits, and Farmer Joe packs Calya and her 17 bags in the car to head off to the city.

Guess his sheep won't be getting the proper health care they deserve now Doctor Sheep has left the profession.

Farmer Wants a Wife is on Channel Seven.