Abigail.
MA15+. 109 minutes.
Three stars.
A hardened gang of career criminals take on far more than anyone could ever plan for when the child they've kidnapped turns out to be the daughter of Dracula in Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett's occasionally funny slasher film.
Now, I've deliberately spoiled that little factoid about the Abigail character in this film because I think you, reader, will have a better experience with the film if you know that going in.
I didn't know it. It's not in any of the film's marketing, it's not particularly even referenced in the film.
The fact that the kidnapped girl is a vampire is already spoiled by the film's poster and the trailer, and it's why I was really looking forward to seeing this smart-looking horror, completely sold by its trailer that pitched it somewhere between The Babysitter and M3gan, two of my fave horror-lite films of this decade.
It certainly has those elements to it, occasionally funny, and leaving you rooting for the bad guys.
But the film's two directors don't match the knowing self-awareness of The Babysitter, and are trying too hard to create social media viral moments like M3gan.
Only when reading notes about the film after coming home a little disappointed by the experience did I find out the film's early drafts intended it as a remake of the 1936 film Dracula's Daughter.
Talk about burying the lede, and I think the film would have been a better experience had I known what clues I was looking for about this wealthy bored demon child, and so here we are, making more informed choices about our horror film viewing. You can thank me later.
There's a cadre of baddies in black in various cars outside an enormous big-city mansion, obviously planning some nefarious activity as tech expert Sammy (Kathryn Newton) is hacking into the building's security system and getting the gates open.
In her car, and flirting outrageously with her, is tattooed thug Dean (Adam Cloud), while in the other vehicle are the slow-witted but musclebound Peter (Kevin Durand), anxious Frank (Dan Stevens) and the more aware Joey (Melissa Barrera).
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We've just been watching an assured ballet performance from a gifted young girl and as she makes her way in a limousine to this enormous home, the baddies have hidden themselves in her bedroom.
As the girl takes to her bed for the night, the criminals give her a sedative injection in the neck and throw her in a bag, narrowly escaping with it as the house's adult figures are arriving back home.
In the remote house where the kidnappers await advice from the kidnap mastermind Lambert (Giancarlo Esposito) about their possible payout, the girl hints to the crew that she, Abigail (Alisha Weir), is the daughter of a notorious mafia-type figure and they have no idea what a mistake they've made.
The film's set-up and the screenplay by Stephen Shields and Guy Busick are really intriguing, but the execution, pun intended, is where it lets itself down.
The production design is lovely, some good money was spent on the mansion that becomes a deathtrap, but the directing duo take their cameras in so close on the many violent and bloody vignettes, as Abigail teaches these idiots a lesson, that the scenes lose most of their impact.
They also suffer from Game of Thrones syndrome, where the staging is so intentionally dark that you struggle to comprehend what is happening, to the verge of losing interest.
Performances though are on point, with an engaging scream queen turn from Melissa Barrera, already a horror star from Scream and Scream VI. There's a star turn from Weir, already loved as Matilda in the 2022 Roald Dahl-Tim Minchin musical.
