Parents should consider how aspects of their own upbringing may be influencing their parenting style.
Emotional responses tied to our own past experiences, may unconsciously be shaping the way we parent and when we address our past, we can build a stronger connection with our children.
We may not realise it but we often view the world through the lens of our own experiences and when we shift these emotions it allows us to be more present with our children so we parent from a place of joy and calm and not stress and anger.
It's important as parents to realise that a lot of what might be stressing us out, isn't our fault, it's how we've actually experienced parenting - and it often isn't linked to a single major traumatic experience.
These can be simple things like memories of being forced to eat vegetables, never allowed a day at the local pool with friends or teased at school.
The nightly battle over bedtime and table manners are other common stressors that remind us of our own childhood behaviour.
It's more often about ourselves and our difficulties in processing these past emotions than our child's behaviour.
Clearing a past trauma of how we were treated as a child, can change how we react to situations we face in our own families.
Parenting decisions can come with so much stigma - but if we address what's happened in the past, many common parenting frustrations can be dealt with more clearly and calmly.
By learning more about our own behaviours, emotions, and reactions, we can make conscious decisions based on an awareness of how we were brought up. We can also stop the intergenerational traumas - big or small - from affecting the next generation.
There are several strategies parents can use to help adjust an emotional reactionary response. Here are a few:
Be aware of the shark music
When parents sense the 'shark music' in their emotions, often at meal or bedtimes, it's a cue we're approaching our limit. Recognising we're about to hit our end point, can create a pause so we can choose a different way to respond or use it as a cue to take a breath and walk away.
Check the energy bucket
We all have an energy 'bucket' and the contents of the energy bucket isn't solely influenced by daily stressors, it can be impacted by past traumas and unresolved emotional issues. If we haven't dealt with childhood events we may find that our energy bucket empties more quickly leaving us exhausted and overwhelmed.
Reflect on our reactions at the end of each day
By reflecting on our behaviours towards our children, we can ask ourselves why we yelled or shouted and if it was driven by a childhood habit, influenced by stress and fatigue, or from over-stimulation of noise, crowds, or certain situations. An awareness of why, can help change future reactions.
Ask ourselves what we can do to change the cycle
When we find ourselves reacting in a way we don't like, identifying the possible environmental triggers might be surprisingly effective. Addressing the specific reasons that led to the heightened emotional responses can open us to practising more measured responses.
- Kate Keisler is the founder and director of Calm and Connected.
