Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives is a special Voice of Real Australia newsletter from Julia "Sunset" Wythes, Hayley "Picnics" Warden and Ashley "Throw Cushions in the Ute Tray" Walmsley, bringing you all the daily drama of the reality TV show.
We begin Episode 7 of Farmer Wants a Wife with a reassurance from Sam Farmytage that 'many great love stories begin on a dancefloor'.
So do many concussions.
Arrrgggh - that only means one thing - the farmers are heading to the country ball.
It is an event where the girls are forced to dance for hours to music we're not sure is actually playing, someone will headbutt an inanimate object and we discover some farmers should just stand still.
But before that, Sam tells us 'the easy rhythm of a country morning is settling the new ladies into the farm'.
Easy rhythm, you say? Clearly you've never been dead to the world and then heard the truckie pull in to load your weaners a full hour before he said he would be there.
Farmer Bert brought home two new ladies that his mum wants him to marry, and boy, has it upset the apple cart.
Karli is acting like a shearer that is cutting out and then out the shed window sees the farmer bring in a 'few' (a mob of) stragglers they found out the back paddock.
"I just feel like it's going to extend the process of it all," she states. (That's the point of this show. It's relationship torture with some poo and pineapples chucked in.)
Over at Dustin's place, he has a new chick too - Belle.
I would like to interrupt at this point to say that a Condobolin local informs me that NOT ONLY does Condo have a Supa IGA Plus Liquor, it ALSO has a Foodworks.
I stand corrected - it's practically downtown Manhattan.
Belle wishes sheep did what you wanted them to do. Said every sheep producer ever.
I'm just going to say it - Dustin reminds me of Frodo Baggins.
With his compact stature and wooly hair, he is setting forth on a quest with the One Ring to Rule Them All - a wedding ring.
On Joe's farm, he is demonstrating how not to use a front-end loader.
But before he can jam a bale he is carrying two inches off the ground at high speed into a tussock and flip the tractor, the girls jump in to roll the bale in shorts and flowing hair in gale-force winds.
They gather small handfuls of hay and toss it about. Joe is too smitten with Susie to instruct anyone to just place the bale at the top of an incline, give a little push and Bob's your uncle.
He says they have 'a flirty, sexy vibe'. Tell that the girls in the background with chunks of hay in their eyes feeding your cattle.
Anyway, they've got word they are heading to the country ball.
Some of the chicks are excited - they've been to balls before, but never a 'country' one. It's pretty much the same as the ones in the city - there's just more derros in hats spewing on themselves.
And depending on the kind of ball, you may get some food dye spat in your face. You've been warned.
Anyway, the girls catch up at the classiest place on the planet - the Lorn Park Bowling Club.
Since Dean has left with his new missus, it's just the four farmers catching up at the wharf and pretending to fish.
They discuss mum's choice, and Tom is filthy at his mum for choosing a girl who left within 24 hours because SHE HATES FARMS.
Joe gushes about his new girl Susie.
By the sounds of it, if he did end up choosing another girl and they are watching the episode together now, he will be sleeping on the couch.
They all head to the ball, then Sam Farmytage turns up.
"Farmers, you're all looking very smiley," she gushes.
They cut straight to a shot of Frodo looking deadpan.
She shoots questions and comments at the group that grate like a ute up the side of a shed.
Then she tells them Deano and his ladies won't be coming because he and Teegs are shacked up. Case closed.
The boys also have to choose a lady for a solo date. The atmosphere goes from slightly awkward to the ideal temperature for 5 in 1. Cold but not frozen.
They flood into the barn and start dancing. Well, moving in a dancing way. OK, just moving. Sometimes moving ugly.
Joe reckons he is Paul Mercurio and starts throwing Susie around.
But it turns out, Ol' Suse is not comfortable with farm life. "The work is not super enjoyable," she says.
"The more things we do, the more I realise it is not the lifestyle for me".
Oh Suse - you've been there five minutes. Just wait until you have to deal with a fly-blown sheep. THEN you can decide it's not for you.
She takes him for a chat, and I have to admit, I feel for poor Joe. He's absolutely devastated.
"I needed to do this for me, and but now I need to leave for you," she said.
As she climbs in the car to leave, he says "I feel like I miss you already". Oh man.
The poor broken-hearted lovey goes and tells his ladies, and asks them to think seriously about whether they want the farm lifestyle.
"The farm is an extension of me. It's my life, it's where I want to be, where I've grown up, and that won't change," he tells them.
Meanwhile, Karli steals Bert off for a snog, and Tom sits around like a brick refusing to move.
Izzy is worried Farmer Frodo might only choose her for the solo date because he literally hasn't spoken to her before.
"I just don't want you to choose me because you're trying to play a fair game," she says reasonably.
He is thinking 'what is the quickest way to Mordor?'.
Izzy lets him off the hook about having to take her on a date, and goes and cries in the trees.
Just to make everything that bit more awkward, Karli snogs Bert on the dancefloor in front of everyone. Classy.
Tom and Sarah A go for a chat and a snog; then she is unable to speak.
By the end of the night, they are all sitting around looking stuffed, tousled haired and like if they ever hear the phrase 'country ball' again, they will literally eat poo.
Sam uses Joe's heartbreak as a chance to skite about the fact she married a farmer.
The boys make their decisions and there are more pauses and dramatic music than Titanic. Farmer Joe chooses Calya, Farmer Tom chooses Sarah A, Bert chooses Karli for some reason, and Frodo picked Izzy. We hope she is ready for Mordor.
Farmer Wants a Wife is on Channel Seven.
