Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives is a special Voice of Real Australia newsletter from Julia "Sunset" Wythes, Hayley "Picnics" Warden and Ashley "Throw Cushions in the Ute Tray" Walmsley, bringing you all the daily drama of the reality TV show.
Ever met Doctor Sheep? We all got to in Episode 8 of Farmer Wants a Wife.
All the farmers are taking their chosen ladies for a romantic date, and first up we see Farmer Joe driving Calya past country that is flogged except for the tussocks.
But don't worry - they are going for a fish in the mighty Snowy Mountains.
He tells Calya to pop on waders. She thinks he said 'waiters'. Apparently she thinks some full grown blokes in a coat and tails are going to burst out of the back of the D-Max and offer them hors d'oeuvres.
But no matter - she is an old hand with fish.
"I've had a fish, and I've been to an aquarium," she says.
But she isn't done showing her knowledge of Australian waterways. "There's no alligators here, right?" she asks.
She gets tangled up in the line and falls over. No alligator ate her.
He tells her sometimes her honesty is like being hit with a prodder, but that's cool. They have a snog.
Meanwhile, Farmer Tom is taking Sarah for a drive in his grandfather's very cool old car.
They stop for a lovely picnic; like every picnic, conversation and interview on this show, the location is decked out with flowers, fairy lights, cushions, candles, lolly pops in jars and hay bales.
And every time the lady gushes about all the effort the farmer put in to setting it up. If only they realised behind the camera there is a producer with a heap of splinters from hauling all the bales in.
They chat on a rug and Sarah is leaning over him so far he probably feels like she is his dentist, and he had to kiss her. Or floss her.
Farmer Dustin is taking Izzy to what Sam Farmytage calls 'Condobolin's local oasis' - the lake.
They show it from the air, which was a mistake. Surrounded by miles of dirt, the algae-ridden delight looks like that scene from Lord of the Rings where Frodo needs to cross the marshes. No wonder Dustin loves it.
Farmer Frodo says he is hoping to find a connection with her. Maybe she is not his precious.
They snog in the row boat as it continues to tip over slowly in the brown water nearby.
Farmer Bert has taken Karli to Maroochydore, and they jet-ski around with giant wedgies.
They snog in the water. Karli is as cocky as an agent on sale day.
Meeting some family
But it's another morning on the farm, and the girls are being put to work, planting trees, cleaning up poop and washing Dustin's work dogs - again.
At Farmer Joe's, they've got a mob of his Suffolks in and he's given them a draft.
He tells them they are going to give them a drench.
"Are we draining the sheep of poo?" Calya asks, disgusted. Then she imitates someone wringing out a cloth.
I wish at this point Joe didn't demonstrate and just let her figure it out.
She then begins drenching - by yelling 'come on' in a cow voice and giving the ewes names like 'Janice' and 'Thomas'. She calls herself Doctor Sheep.
"I save sheep's lives!" she yells.
There is a drama unfolding as Dustin's - a life and death situation, according to Sam Farmytage.
With bikes, utes and on foot, a bunch of people are hurling pell mell at a stirry heifer that's having trouble calving. That will calm her down.
Midwife Anna is in her element, and helps pull the calf.
Then everyone and the camera crew hang around patting the calf and talking loudly to make sure the heifer bonds with the calf.
Farmer Tom is introducing his girls to his grandmother Glen.
They look over family pictures and she gives the advice: 'Never marry anyone until you feel you could not do without them'.
While taking a walk in her gorgeous garden, she talks about Tom's grandfather, who has passed away.
Tom becomes quite emotional, having never spoken to her about his passing. Sarah consoles him, and we all have a bit of a bawl.
Dustin's also introducing the girls to his nanna - one of the 36 people living on his farm.
She's an absolute cracker and gets the girls baking a lemon cake.
She tells them to marry a farmer, you need to want to live in the country, prepared to be alone at certain times of the year and in the evening, and pull your weight.
This should be the slogan for the show.
'Farmer Wants a Woman Who Can Deal With Isolation, Poo and Being Alone in the Middle of Nowhere'.
They would be lining up for it.
At Joe's, he has wrangled the members of the junior footy club into a training session.
He has recruited his niece Charlie to help judge the ladies, and she picks Sarah for some special time with Joe.
Time to bugger off
It's time for dinner, and the farmers have a think about sending a lady home.
Farmer Tom decides to keep his three ladies. Farmer Bert also chooses to keep his four ladies.
Better-than-everyone Karli is not happy. She doesn't understand why anyone else is there because she's the best. She is just a treasure.
Farmer Dustin takes Chloe for a chat, as she has been pretty quiet since baking with nanna.
She's straight down the line - she misses her family and doesn't want to so far away from them. Even for a Supa IGA Plus Liquor.
"It took me coming out here to know what I do and don't want," she says.
Maybe she saw the lake?
She heads home. It's all nice and peaceful.
The same can't be said at Farmer Joe, where poo is about hit the fan.
Seated around the table, they demand 'look each other in the eyes' as they cheers and glare at each other while clinking glasses so they look like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs.
He says his niece Charlie chose Sarah, and mid-mouthful of dinner she is swept away from the table.
While they snog in the warmth of the fire, inside at the table it is getting even more fired up. Like - tail docking iron fired up.
Calya is questioning Keely and Claire about how they are feeling - and calling them la-la girls.
She's gone all Judge Judy on them and says they aren't being honest with Joe about how they are feeling.
When Joe comes back, the girls question him about whether he feels they are being honest.
The poor thing is still upset about Susie leaving, so he asks them all the stay if they want to.
They all choose to stay, so Calya snaps the carrot.
She dobs them in for feeling like they don't know where they stand. She says they are 'la-la, daisy, rainbows, fricking unicorns'.
Joe tries to defend them and gets his bottom smacked.
"You will not get honesty from those two," she says, pointing at Claire and Keely.
Mic drop by the Doctor Sheep.
Farmer Wants a Wife is on Channel Seven.
